My listening skills need work. A lot of work.
I’ve known about it for 30 years. And I’ve no doubt paid for it in hurt feelings, lost opportunities, and avoidable mistakes.
I start conversations and meetings with the best intentions, but then I can’t help myself.
I interrupt. I talk over people. I think about my responses while others are talking.
And my body language gives me away, too. I look around, or stare intently while tuning out the talker.
Which is why I’m going public with my problem to be more accountable and improve.
Joseph Folkman and Jack Zenger lay out the fundamentals of good listening well in their July 14, 2016, HBR article “What Great Listeners Actually Do.”
Through their exhaustive research with thousands of participants and in-depth 360-degree assessments, they were able to identify the differences between great and average listeners. Here’s what they found:
- Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. People perceive the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. These questions gently challenge old assumptions, but do so in a constructive way. Asking a good question tells the speaker the listener has not only heard what was said, but that they comprehended it well enough to want additional information.
- Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly.
- Good listening was seen as a cooperative conversation.In these interactions, feedback flowed smoothly in both directions with neither party becoming defensive about comments the other made. Good listeners may challenge assumptions and disagree, but the person being listened to feels the listener is trying to help, not wanting to win an argument.
- Good listeners tended to make suggestions. Good listening invariably included some feedback provided in a way others would accept and that opened up alternative paths to consider. Making suggestions is not jumping to “solving the problem;” but suggestions should be made skillfully. We’re also more likely to accept suggestions from people we already think are good listeners.
Folkman and Zenger sum it all up with this great analogy:
What these findings show is that good listeners are like trampolines. They are someone you can bounce ideas off of — and rather than absorbing your ideas and energy, they amplify, energize, and clarify your thinking. They make you feel better not merely passively absorbing, but by actively supporting. This lets you gain energy and height, just like someone jumping on a trampoline.
Have a great week.
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