Shame can be incredibly destructive.
That painful feeling of humiliation that we experience from making mistakes can keep us small, afraid and resentful and impede wholehearted living which is the key to other achievements in family, business and community.
That is the simple thesis from Brene Brown, a renowned researcher on shame, fear and scarcity and the author of “Daring Greatly – How the Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.”
Brown tells an interesting back story of how she named her book in her “Call to Courage” Netflix special. She ran across the famous and timeless Teddy Roosevelt speech of 1910:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
Brown points out that daring greatly requires true vulnerability – the willingness to endure uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
Here are a few other gems from Brown:
“We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.” We’re hard on each other because of our own perceived deficiencies. Those in the arena need our support, not our criticism.
“Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.” That kind of intense emotional exposure builds courage and character to endure all other uncertainties in life and business.
“Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.” We should not shield others from, or discourage, vulnerability. Vulnerability should be encouraged, taught and embraced – in our families, our schools and our companies.
Brown says the antidote to shame is empathy. Shame can’t survive in an environment of empathy and understanding. Hold up tough times, failures and mistakes as valuable, teachable moments that further encourage those around you to take risks, admit uncertainty, and be vulnerable.
Because, as Brown so eloquently puts it:“Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Have a great week.
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