Joseph Grenny has spent 30 years studying best practices for dealing with conversations fraught with emotional or political risk.
It’s important to get these moments right, Grenny maintains, because how we deal with these kinds of crucial conversations predicts the magnitude of our influence, the health of our teams, and even the durability of marriages and friendship.
Grenny is matter-of-fact about the implications: “when it matters most, we do our worst. We cower or coerce, obfuscate or exaggerate, contend or defend.”
He says the primary predictor of success in a crucial conversation is how you prepare for it. Here’s how:
Get your motives right. Think long-term, not short-term. In the short-term, we bargain, make excuses, and get selfish. We preserve the present by mortgaging the future. To think long-term, answer these simple questions: What do I really want? What do I really want for me? For the other person? For the relationship? For other stakeholders?
Get your emotions right. Our emotions have less to do with what the other person is doing, and more to do with the story we tell ourselves about what they are doing. Avoid victim and villain stories and think of the other person as human. Ask “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what he’s doing?” Cultivate a sense of respect and resolve rather than detachment and indignation.
Gather the facts. Gathering the facts is required homework for a healthy conversation. Don’t start by sharing your conclusions. Build your case in a patient, honest, and vulnerable way. And be open to different interpretations.
Get curious. The most important attitude to bring to a crucial conversation is a blend of confidence and curiosity. And be humble enough to be interested in any facts or logic that might improve your conclusion. Curiosity makes you more persuasive. When you listen deeply and sincerely, others feel less of a need to resist you in order to be heard.
Like most things in life, getting good at tough conversations is 60 percent preparation, and 40 percent perspiration.
Be thoughtful, be honest and be intentional if you want to be at your best when it matters the most.
Have a great week.
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