Being good at saying “no” can make you happier and more productive. Here’s how.
It’s one of life’s great conundrums: Your time is limited, but the number of things you can possibly do with your time is unlimited. It can be a pitfall for anyone, and it’s the main reason that some of the most popular advice of late has to do with making sure you not only have a traditional “to-do list” but also have a “not to-do list.”
To accomplish your not to-do list, you need to be good at saying no.
Saying no is hard, especially if you are a “people pleaser.” But it’s absolutely necessary in order to have the time to rest and rejuvenate and give yourself the space you need to focus on what is important to you.
In a research study published in the Journal of Consumer Research on the subject of Empowered Refusal, it outlines the results of word choice and mindset in using “I can’t” versus “I don’t.”
When faced with a temptation, one group of students was told to say “I can’t do X.” For example, “I can’t eat ice cream.” The other group of students was told to say “I don’t do X.” For example, “I don’t eat ice cream.”
At the end of these instructions, students answered a set of questions seemingly unrelated to the study. As they were handing in their answer sheets, they were offered a snack choice of a chocolate candy bar or a granola bar.
The students who told themselves “I can’t eat X” chose the chocolate candy bar 61 percent of the time. The students who told themselves “I don’t eat X” chose the chocolate candy bar only 36 percent of the time. This simple change in phrasing improved the odds that each person would make a more healthy food choice.
The reason for the differences: Your words help to frame your sense of empowerment and control. Furthermore, the words that you use create a feedback loop in your brain. “I can’t” is more of a reminder of your limitations. In comparison, “I don’t” reminds you of your control and power over the situation. It’s a phrase that emboldens and puts you in a more assertive frame of mind.
Heidi Grant Halvorson is the associate director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University. Here’s her explanation of the difference:
“I don’t” is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering. It’s an affirmation of your determination and willpower. “I can’t” isn’t a choice. It’s a restriction, it’s being imposed upon you. So thinking “I can’t” undermines your sense of power and personal agency. In other words, the phrase “I don’t” is a psychologically empowering way to say no, while the phrase “I can’t” is a psychologically draining way to say no.
“I can’t” and “I don’t” are words that seem interchangeable, but psychologically they produce different feedback and result in very different actions. They are affirmations of how you think and feel and they influence what you do and where you go.
Health and productivity are determined by what you do, as well as what you don’t do. A small adjustments in your words, thoughts, and actions can put you in the driver’s seat of your personal and professional life and help you not only serve family, friends and co-workers, but also achieve the goals that are near and dear to you.
Have a great week.
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